Every couple starting a
relationship has an emotional bank account which determines how your
relationship would turn out in the end.
According
to Relationship researcher John Gottman , every time you turn toward
your partner with warmth; follow through on your agreements; share
affection, appreciation and gratitude; and create positive future plans
you are making a small investment in this account. You can also make
withdrawals and overdraw the account by doing the opposite.
It
means that having a positive balance in the account can help sustain
during any relationship crisis and have some more for long term
sustainability, but when the account is already depleted of emotions
that relationship will never stand the test of time.
How do you invest in a relationship?
Gina Senarighi of SheKnows gives five simple tips for investing in relationships:
- Have daily positive, warm contact: It's amazing how little time many people actually spend with their partners each week. Think about it — you're at work over 40 hours plus commute time, you work out or watch TV and then it's time for bed. Carve out 30 quality minutes to spend with your sweetheart each day (away from electronic devices) and I promise you will notice a difference.
- Share appreciation and gratitude often: Over time we forget to say those sweet things to our loved ones. This is a problem because we stop noticing all those wonderful things and our partner stops hearing them. Make sure that once a day you are making an investment in your relationship's bank account by sharing something you appreciate about your partner. Think of it as a vitamin for your relationship's health.
- Notice the attempts your partner makes for your attention and clearly state your attempts for theirs: Gottman talks a lot about the importance of bids in relationships. Bids are the times we ask for attention from our partner. Successful couples notice bids, and more often than not they respond warmly to one another. Missing bids can quickly get you into shaky territory. You don't have to go along with everything your partner says but it helps to notice all the ways they reach out to you (eye contact, affection, requests for help, invitations etc.) and respond with care.
- Give the benefit of the doubt: Sometimes when couples are together for a while they start building resentments. These can snowball if you don't stop them quickly. Trust your partner's best intentions. When in question, ask for clarification — "Honey, you're just asking if I am wearing this so we don't accidentally dress as twins, not because you think it looks bad, right?"
- State your shared mission and values regularly: It's important to have a shared goal on the horizon and values guiding your decisions. This doesn't mean you always agree, but you have a shared mission to help guide your collaborative process. Set some dates for the future and talk openly about how much you look forward to them (travel plans, shared celebrations, etc.). Talk with your sweetheart about the things that add meaning to your life and shared time.
